Li Smith enjoyed ‘The Psychology of Beauty’ – Thanks Li

I got a suggestion to write something on Dreams and Psychoanalysis by C G Jung. Well, thanks a book of dreams should be done by 2011 if things work out fine. I will keep you posted on this

Please keep sending your comments. If there are comments you have posted elsewhere and I haven’t replied, please send them to me to my mailbox (saberiroy at googlemail dot com) directly and I will respond here.

Thanks for visitng this page. Good day.

Reply to Jacob – a student in psychology

Hi Jacob – Thank you for your message. You can of course try google scholar but honestly there are very few books or articles on the psychology of attraction. You can cite my articles as reference for your schoolwork. There are other books and sources that you should be able to find on the internet.

Thanks again, SR

Hello Saberi Roy
 
My name is Jacob, and this fall I will be a senior.  At the end of my senior year I plan on giving a presentation on a topic that I find deeply interesting, a project apart from my schoolwork.  This topic that I find so interesting is the psychology behind attraction (in terms of courtship, love, dating, romance, attractive body language, what people commonly find attractive and what they don’t, and sex).  I read your article and thought it to be first-rate.  The reason I’m coming to you telling you all this is that I am having trouble finding books/sources that would be suitable aids in my research.  Would you have any suggestions for books to read, people to contact, websites to visit, or any other sources of information I could get my hands on?  Or do you have any ideas for experiments I might be able to do on my own?  Any help or advice you could give would be greatly appreciated. 
  
Many thanks,
Jacob

Ranabir – Very well written and analyzed. I sometimes think the best way to define creativity is not to define it at all, for defining creativity ends creativity.

The Psychology of Children

Pete – this is good because i now know about my kid

The Psychology of Belief

Kurt: Nicely written article. One point that I believe should be added to this discussion is that the scientific worldview, despite having some basis in empirical data, also is a type of belief system. Most belief systems can show some empirical evidence, but that does not reduce their dependence on belief to bridge the gap between what is empirical and what is hypothetical.

Another good point in the article – the idea that archetypes, or what some call ‘memes’ are at the root of socio-cultural beliefs is very important to understanding why some human phenomenon, such as war-making, are so hard to change.

(Saberi: I agree with you Kurt. Thanks for your comments.)

Adrianty – although, they are only animals but they have some expression of body language to express their meaning and feeling

Nurul: it’s a good article, where can i get the questionnare to measure our attraction level

Saberi: Nurul, the main point of writing such articles is to establish the foundation for new directions in research. You may not find a questionnaire exactly on these lines and you may have to develop one. Sounds daunting but we are talking of moving psychology forward as a discipline.

To read these articles please visit Saberi’s Blog

or buy the book here

Finn – I consider myself as asexual, but I still have sex. I do it because I have to. And I have to because I’m married to a person with normal sexuality. So I wouldn’t disclude this group from the definition.

Saberi - Finn, thanks for your comments. If you’re having a regular sex life and have no dislike for sex, you are not asexual. I don’t know why you like to call yourself asexual. If you truly have no sex desire, you’ll stop the practice sooner or later, so my definition that a true asexual does not have sexual desire and has no sexual practice holds. So people engaging in sexual practice could be excluded.          

Ray- As an aside, studying asexuality purely from a psychoanalytical perspective as your article seems to do, is likely to give a very rigid and narrow defintion due to the underlying assumptions of sexual disfunction.

Saberi – Ray, thanks for your comments. I haven’t written about asexuality purely from a psychoanalytic viewpoint. In psychoanalysis, the sex drive is the basic drive of all humans and psychoanalysts would completely disagree that asexuality is an orientation and would consider asexuality as a sexual aversion disorder. On the other hand, I consider asexuality as an orientation rather than a disorder or dysfunction, so I am not completely taking a psychoanalytic perspective.                    

Ray - Although theres some very valid points in your article, you seem to have not taken account of gender within your narrowed definition of asexuality. The article suggests that you have considered low libido as a valid factor in a diagnostic criteria of asexuality, yet then go on to argue that an individual who masturbates cannot be asexual but rather is defined by another category.However, research suggests that libido is linked to the menstrual cycle and can increase in the days prior to ovulation. It would then be logical to assume that in women at least, the increase in libido could result in masturbation outside of sexual attraction. Your article would suggest that the above mentioned person is asexual based on diagnostic criteria, yet from your personal criteria would be autoerotic. The arguments seem contradictory when taking account of libido and gender differences.

Saberi – I never tied masturbation to ’sexual attraction’ but rather to ’sexual desire’. I distinguish between ‘lack of sexual attraction’ which some psychologists use to define asexuality and ‘lack of sexual desire’ which according to me identifies asexuality. There is no contradiction. You find this contradictory because you consider sexual desire as similar to sexual attraction. I differentiate between the two. You may not have any sexual attraction towards anyone but that does not make you asexual and if you masturbate that makes you autoerotic. if you do not have sexual desire, that makes you asexual.                         

pretzelboy- Having read your response to the comment you have received, I think it may be helpful to take a step back and reflect. Some people identify as asexual. Everyone who does so has their own reasons for doing so and has likely spent a good amount of time thinking about that. When you tell people who identify as asexual that they aren’t really asexual, you are perceived as an outsider attempting to invalidate people’s identities. This tends to make people angry. More than that, in your approach to asexuality, you don’t seem to try to understand the experiences or perspectives of asexuals. You cite some amorphous group “psychologists” to bolster your authority, but a) none of the psychologists who have published on asexuality agree with your definition and b) psychologist are a rather diverse lot. I think that if you read more of the experiences of asexuals, it would help your understanding of a lot. 

Saberi - Pretzel. Thanks for your comments. I appreciate your concerns. But asexuality is controversial and some psychologists completely deny that such an orientation exists. I completely disagree with such viewpoints and do believe that asexuality is an orientation and that we have to know it better. My problem is people who identify themselves as asexuals may not be asexuals at all. I worked on this problem because I can personally relate to this as well. But I completely believe asexuality has more to do with desire than with attraction and I’m talking from an ‘insider’s’ perspective rather than as an outsider. I don’t agree with the basic definition of asexuality so my concern is to look deeper into the definition of asexuality rather than experiences of individuals who may not actually be asexuals. Many individuals who consider themselves asexuals could be autoerotic celibates. First, we have to fix the definition, that’s my whole point.But this is controversial and I’ll write more to make the points clear.              

 I am engaged to this girl recently and right after engagement, i
found out by her ex in-laws that she got divorced twice on grounds of
being asexual. I am not sure if that is true or not. I have seen
medical reports by 3 diffferent doctors(gynae) who have
claimed that she had refused to being diagnosed/examined by them. She
was hysterical and uncomfortable during the examination and did not
let them examine, even in the presence of her mom. She had met a
psychologist but it didnt help. I have not asked her directly, plus us
both being far away from each other geographically makes it difficult
to communicate. She always sounded and looked like a v.decent and shy
girl, thats why i got engaged to her. But if her being asexual is a
medical problem, then i will have to discontinue the engagement. I
just need to be sure. i dont want to believe solely on medical reports
which can be fake. I feel if it is true, then she may just have an
innate fear or a hormonal problem, and i want to know if it can be
cured.
If you can help me with any advice, it would be of great help…

thanks and regards,
Sameer.

Sameer – Thanks for your message. If her condition is frigidity or complete lack of sexual interest due to biological reasons then it would be necessary to  do a medical check up of her reproductive system. If the problem is hormonal, it could be however cured with medication. If it is psychological due to childhood abuse or unpleasant sexual experience, then only prolonged psychoanalytic help would be necessary. In any case, the cure for this problem would be long term and will take months or even years but you have to be completely sure that a problem exists. I suggest you talk to her parents directly about this and ask them to consult an experienced psychoanalyst. You can also talk to her directly and see her reactions. If you are in Delhi, go to the AIIMS psychological unit and talk to a clinical psychologist. If you are already engaged, you might want to take some more time to decide whether a marriage is the right decision at this time. It is best that you delay the marriage and find out what the real problem is, whether her aversion towards sex is biological or psychological and only then after speaking with her parents, psychologists and physicians, you could go ahead with the marriage. 

Good luck.

Saberi

Hello Saberi,
thanks for the reply. I understand what you are saying but i am sure
my fiancee will not admit that she is asexual because of the stigma or
problems associated. Her parents would be more interested in marrying
her off rather than admit her asexuality and break off the engagement.
I am not even sure that they treated her, provided she is really
asexual and not been misunderstood. There is no other way to find that
out too.
Either ways, i am at a loss.

thanks anyways.
Sameer

Please find out whether she is autoerotic/engages in masturbation. If she does, she is not completely asexual and her condition could be curable with proper attention on your part. If your fiancee has no sexual desire at all, it may be a tough ride and you have to be ready to consult psychologists to make your marriage work.

Thanks, Saberi

Ace: Good article. I do disagree on the pathological comments. However I agree the majority of asexuals have some latent or residual sexuality. I label myself nonsexual. I never Mbate, find all sexuality repulsive, am a virgin. I am a good example of a true asexual.

Saberi: Well Ace. Thanks for the comments. If you find sex repulsive it might mean you’re repressing something. The reasons for this may be childhood experiences. If you’re happy with your life, then fine, otherwise do consult a psychoanalyst.

Rhoda: I’m a low-sexual who has had asexual periods lasting years at a time. I wasn’t repressing anything. I struggled and searched for a way to be or at least pass for sexual. I didn’t even care much if I mustered up an attraction to men or to women. I just wanted to stop the constant harassment and threats of rape from people who had heard I was “frigid” (a pseudomedical pejorative term for a female asexual). I lived in fear because of gossip. During those times I had sex because society mandates it. It was torture. It left me depressed, confused and clinging to a sense of reality by a thread. When I have stopped I have felt powerful, clear-headed and confident. I just miss being socially accepted, as any woman who has sex will be accepted. If a woman is promiscuous, there is a vast culture of promiscuity that will treat her as “healthy”; she will be popular. If she is married there is a vast culture that will treat her as “stable”; she will be respectable. If she is not having sex at all, there is a vast culture that will treat her as “available”. If she is not available, nearly everyone will treat her as “crazy”, “witholding” (presumably witholding something that belongs to someone else), and “uptight” (presumably meaning any woman who is no fun must be altered to correct the defect). I am identifying as asexual because it is the shortest answer that comes close to describing my life.

One of the cruellest and most incomprehensible stereotypes of a’s I ever heard was that we are “cold” and “don’t love anyone”. Nothing could be further from the truth. It always seemed to me it was the other way around. It was highly-sexed people who threatened me and attacked me when I first tried to take a stand as someone who had a right not to have sex just to fit in. I still have flashbacks about some of the things men did openly, proud of themselves, with a self-righteous air, to me to punish my speaking up. They thought they were my owners and that I had no right to withold my biological functions from them. I didn’t even know some of them. Other people, male and female, have talked down to me, made fun of me and just refused to hear me, pretending I said something else. They seem to be the ones who have trouble being loving. Not all sexuals are unloving, but I think what I’ve seen tells me the higher-sexed people are by and large the least loving.

Saberi: Hi Rhoda. Thanks for your comments. Well I do agree with some of your points. Especially your categories for defining the sexuality of women. But your views seem to have been shaped by your experiences and your perception of those experiences. Society has in a way given certain importance to sex although it is not an absolute basic need, we can survive without sex. So asexuality should be accepted. Your own condition of asexuality may have been triggered by adverse events in your life and certain portrayals of sex in modern society have become very distasteful and many people are developing this repulsion for sex. So you will find other people like you and there’s a community for asexuals. Sometimes we may be highly sexed but simply never realize that we’re repressing our sexual desire. If you felt attracted towards anyone, you are not asexual. I don’t want to force you to fit in but the fact that you felt threatened by people who tried to have sex with you, shows a certain insecurity. Maybe the fact that you love people is actually a channeling of your sexual energy and it’s a good thing. I suggest you use your unrecognized/untapped sexuality for serving humanity, doing some social work or try creative pursuits. If you feel oversexed people are not loving, that may be due to your personal experiences but if you can associate sex with love at some point in your life, your opinions will definitely change. Thanks again!

Hi,

My name is Aaron and I have been reading your article on asexuality . I’d like to first say that you make a false assumptions: You say that asexuals refrain from sexual activity. Yes they may not want to be involved in it, but if the chance were to come along they may or may not be open to it. You said, “Thus if a person engages in sexual activity mechanically and does not derive sexual pleasure from it, the very fact that he or she engages in sexual activity, makes him sexual.” Sexual in the act; does not mean he/she is heterosexual/homosexual or any other sexuality other than asexual. They may be sexually active for the benefits of their partner, or experimenting, but if they are engaged in sexual activities (no matter how frequent) and don’t enjoy it, then they are asexual.

“Autoeroticism or autoerotic pleasure through masturbation and similar means does not imply asexuality but rather autosexuality, as the person seems to have complete sex drive but that is not directed towards any person and turned towards self. This may have something to do with homosexuality or narcissism and narcissists could be autosexuals or repressed homosexuals.”

Many actually masturbate but feel not need for a partner, or they do not think of any person in particular (if they do, not necessarily sexually). Some pleasure themselves through sexual fantasies but when it comes to reality they do not enjoy it (as seems to be my case). I believed that I was homosexual, but am highly doubting it now. I am not a repressed homosexual because I came out of the closet a few months ago. And I’m definitely not a narcissist.

Perhaps you are right. The hypothalamus may have been damaged, but I wouldn’t say that all, even most cases are due to psychological problems. a study was taken between homosexual men and homosexual women, and they found that the minds of homosexual men were shaped similarly of that of a heterosexual woman, and visa versa. The mind codes for a sex drive, and in some cases people are born without one, or with the wrong one.

Religion can only make one practice celibacy, religion can not make one asexual. They still are attracted sexually to another sex, whether they are sexually active or not. They could ignore their thoughts or hide them. Coerced sexualities (if it is possible) are too hard to study.

It’s very hard to follow this reading when your definition of asexuality means both refraining from the act of sexual activity and no desire for sexual activity. Refraining from sexual activity does not make you asexual in the least.

“Thus a person who is autoerotic or prefers masturbation over the sexual act would not be considered as asexual.” Could you explain that more, that sounds like an interesting point.

“As of now, psychological tests have focused on measuring asexuality as the condition of ‘not being sexually attracted to anyone’.” I would agree with the psychologists.

I enjoyed reading your paper. I’m sorry I only listed the points I disagreed with, because there were a few points I agreed with you on. And I may be assuming that you are saying this research goes for all asexuals, but I think I’m safe to say that. I just want to know that can this same paper apply to any “abnormal” sexuality, such as homosexuality or bisexuality?

Hope you write back. I’m glad you took the time to read this if you do
Enjoy your day.
-Aaron

Saberi: Aaron – Thanks for your mail. That is my point, if you are enoying masturbation, it is more autoerotic/autosexual than asexual, you are not asexual. You may be an autoerotic celibate because you derive ‘sexual’ pleasure without requiring anyone else. I am trying to say that a complete asexual is one who has no desire (does not derive sexual pleasure) and also does not regularly practise sex. If there is no desire, the practise will also stop completely or will not be started in the first place. But of course, religion makes a person celibate and cannot make a person asexual but asexuals can take the refuge of religion in some cases. I know many people disagree with me but maybe i’ll write another article and differentiate the celibate from asexual. But thanks! SR

In this blog I will highlight your letters and comments, questions in psychology and you can share your issues, problems as well so others will get to know, if they are facing similar issues. Please send in your comments and questions, views and opinions to my email address with the ‘psychforum’ on the subject line or please post here on the comments section.

I will update this blog as and when I receive new emails/messages/or online comments from you. Thanks!